Wake Up, Rinse, Repeat

Duh!

Do you ever wake up and wonder what the hell you have done with your life?

Speaking as a therapist, I get this question all the time and then some. On a personal level, I probably think about this question more often these days than I care to. Why, you ask? I know I have spent time and time again asking this question of myself because change for me has been consistent just like anyone else’ but it typically is the same cycle every time. I build, build, build, build, and THRIVE! Only, what comes next is not more thriving, it is a bit of, if not a whole shit load of crumbling. I take my own advice and keep moving forward, picking up the pieces, learning from the experience and working to build something better, newer, stronger, but within the same wheelhouse of the initial goals since they are directly related to my core values and beliefs. I think to myself… “The world needs this information. Perhaps the world needs my knowledge and I want to share what I know with others so that they may live a happier, healthier, not just content life.” Now I know that may sound cocky as if I am God’s gift to mankind but I most definitely do NOT feel that way. I just love spreading knowledge to help others to find their own paths even if they are not like my own or resemble the same steps I took to get there. It is not in the path but in the knowledge that we hold the key to our own growth and happiness. Each person’s journey different but the general goal similar.

So, while I do not think I am God’s gift to this world, I do feel that I have a responsibility to share my light with others because we need more positivity and happiness in this world. This is what leads me to the belief that I have a purpose. I have a job. I am a teacher, educator, life long learner, and also very much human like everyone else. Some days I wake up and wonder what the hell I have done with my life. This was NOT what I had planned but that is what life is…is it not?! Nothing is constant but we all seek consistency. While some may report that they like change, they may also need consistency and stability. I believe it is an innate characteristic we all have within us. We all want the comfort of constancy and stability. Even if that constant is that nothing is constant but you know how to survive or have your world aligned in such a manner that you feel a sense of security. We all seek it but it is often the lack of such that causes us so much anxiety, worry, and general concern about life. To realize we cannot control every part of our lives and that life is ever changing is a very freeing thought for many. Yet others refuse to believe they do not have the ability to control everything, may try harder and harder to do so to no avail. What is for certain is that most at one point or another have been or will be scared to death of the thought of accepting that we have no control over a great deal of things in our lives.

I find that I am unsure which phase of the wake up, rinse, repeat cycle I am in. I am most definitely NOT repeating my days and I search for normalcy in just about everything since my own PTSD had left me significantly debilitated these days. One day at a time, I slowly come back to whatever the new normal is for me. Although, it seems to come in waves. I say that and it sounds so bad but from an outsiders point of view, it really is not. Just get up, go to work, be happy, and repeat. Nope. Not me. I will be confident and ready for the day then the second I have a phone call for a client I decide I just don’t want to answer the phone. So…..wth is wrong?! Who knows, but i bet that bastard subconscious of mine has a clue. I knock to get inside and some days I’m welcomed in to sit and chat but all good things come to an end. The next time I hit a wall I knock and almost feel like she is playing a mean trick on me or hiding from me as if she is not home but I see her peeking out the window. So, I roll my eyes in frustration, turn on my heel, and just walk away. I’ll power through even if she wants to be a damn child and play games. Then I think… is she playing games or is she just that scared? Is she as scared as I feel sometimes? We definitely need to be on the same page. I’m frustrated she doesn’t want to tell me what’s really wrong but maybe that’s the problem. Maybe she fears my judgment and desperately needs my compassion. Damn it, I need that compassion too! We are one in the same! Ugh! So, the cycle continues. Wake up, rinse, repeat. Maybe one day I’ll know. Maybe one day we will be whole again. Maybe one day she will trust me again. Come to think of it, maybe it’s me who doesn’t trust her. I know that I don’t trust myself or my decisions. Who made the decision? I am well aware how crazy that sounds but if the different parts of our personality come together to make decisions and the ego, or consciousness seen on the outside, is the one ultimately making the decisions. Then its me who shouldn’t be trusted. For those of you who don’t know Freud and psychology, I don’t have schizophrenia…I’m not crazy and we all battle different emotions internally. Some people are just more aware of it than others. I’ll explain more below. Anyway, I suppose I should be sure of who decided or just accept it was me, which I do, but I need to get to the bottom of it to move through this and I refuse to leave parts of myself behind to suffer in fear. So, for now, the jury is out.

Training Wheels or Bumper Pads? WAKE UP!

The general consensus is that trauma changes the neuroplasticity or makeup of the brain. I can actually confirm that this HAS to be true. What I knew before without thinking has become endless tasks to complete and re-learn these days. I don’t even feel like I can say “re-learn” because I don’t recall having to learn them but simple tasks can be difficult and an all day job. Many days feeling like busy days with nothing accomplished. My emotions seem to be just about everywhere and some days I feel like I am watching my life play out in third person. It is quite like watching a car wreck happen just about every day and not being able to do anything about it. I can’t grab the wheel and turn from danger. I can’t make a giant inflatable bag that I put in front of the car. I feel like I need either training wheels or bumper pads. Not sure if anyone else feels that way but it really is frustrating watching and living the process, feeling and knowing what to do but unable to stop the wreck from happening. When you are back in the drivers seat, you see the situation completely only to beat yourself up for even thinking, feeling, and acting anyway but normal. — By the way, what is normal? Anxious seems to be the new normal. Thing is, the struggle is not seen by others because I keep to myself and most of it is experienced internally. A back and forth battle between myself freaking out, whether I am conscious about it or not, and either working to justify irrational beliefs to soothe myself or completely unaware I am avoiding or ignoring that there is an issue as if it was normal. It’s almost like going in and out of consciousness. Or even in my case, when I am incredibly tired and can’t keep my eyes open but struggling to stay awake. It’s like in and out of deep sleep so suddenly. WAKE UP!

Crazy or Freud’s Theory of Personalities?!

Similar to addiction, I feel like I have multiple parts of myself fighting the good battle in my mind and yet sometimes I am not even present for that fight. Welcome to the id, ego, and superego, also known as the kid, consciousness (externally presented self), and parent. My lovely friend, Dissociation, plays the part of the not-present piece of myself, the kid (id) hiding in the house. (UGH, she really frustrates me!) Only I am consciously aware of all the struggles internally that happen. I understand that the process is happening and even why it does but not sure how I got here, how to fix it, or why it has developed in a manner that I have not experienced yet. I have experienced a bit of trauma in my life and it appears that each new major thing causes a very real, yet stupid, shift in my brain that makes me feel more and more broken. Yep, the therapist feels broken. How many times have you heard that? I bet not much but it’s true. Statistically, therapists, clinicians, physicians, doctors, practitioners, etc are among the highest rate of suicide, depression, and anxiety in the world! We deal with the issues of others and have issues of our own. We are not to share those current struggles as it may change the work we do with clients and shift onto us, which is unethical. This is why self-care is so important and even more important to share that with clients, model healthy behaviors and take our own advice. Which is why I am not scared to share my struggles but the client does not counsel or treat me. I share those I overcame and want others to know that life is not perfect. We can be educated, with degrees and licenses, and still have problems. That is not the reason for this blog post though so I will move on. Just some info to chew on.

We learn, we survive, and hope to thrive. Knowing, doing, living, and coping are all very different things yet one in the same. I swear I have been through worse in my life but I survived and did not feel as if I was so affected. As life goes on, the ability to move forward becomes more difficult for reasons I wish I understood. Again, frustration sets in and often sets me back. It is the reason that hanging on to hope and never losing faith is so important. We are not alone and we will find a way.

The Mind’s Cozy Culdesac

What I have found is that many people would rather have someone help them that has experienced similar issues and overcome obstacles. Me, I have overcome time and time again. Rinse….repeat. These days I wonder what for? To cycle back around and to do what exactly? Emotional abuse is a really deep thing that can change your internal makeup. What I don’t understand is how it shifts or is experienced in the brain differently each time. The hope is that we never experience it again but it can come in all shapes and sizes. So, how does the mind assimilate? I assume it is smart and manipulative, similar to the ones inflicting the abuse. Which makes me wonder…are we continuing the cycle of abuse internally?! I know that my mind can certainly make things worse if I allow it to. It loves to find alternative ways to make me wiggle and squirm….taking the pain, insecurities, self-doubt, and confidence away only to hide it all in the deepest darkest places. I’m not scared to explore those nooks and crannies but damn….I can’t seem to find the flashlight to find my way and other days I feel like that bastard cheats and moves what I am looking for. It’s already bad enough to look for a needle in a hay stack in the damn dark, seeking for something that I didn’t know is a problem or is the root of the issue or that I forgot… Things I didn’t think I could forget but are gone. Things I worked through decades ago, only they resurface as an issue, only this time appears in a slightly, if not completely, different manner that I wouldn’t have a clue is the root of the issue. Hell, I already worked through it! Why the hell would it be a problem now? Then I think, did I really work through it? That makes me question my techniques and abilities. It makes me question everything!

Did I lose ya? Funny how the mind works, isn’t it?! *Insert eye roll here* No, it’s not funny! It’s annoying and mostly ridiculous. PTSD and other forms of anxiety can be completely debilitating sometimes and other times I don’t even mind the dissociation. It’s like, meh. Whatever. Hell, I don’t realize it’s happening until I notice I’m not paying any attention to my avoidance of life in general or acknowledging that I could very well be leading myself to failure. Damn subconscious self-sabotage at work! That bastard!

So, WAKE UP!….got it….although some days I’d rather just stay in bed. I think, “why? I keep rinsing and repeating only to fail. What’s the point? Am I going in the right direction? Are my dreams too big? Do I really want this business? What am I missing? Fuck it, I’m going back to sleep.” So, I take my own advice and don’t listen to the shitty committee in the brain. I tell myself to “STFU! You didn’t fail! If you failed you wouldn’t have moved forward and grown even if it doesn’t feel like you have.” I get up since I’m now awake…well, barely. I work each day to develop consistency, talk to myself in a caring and encouraging manner, stick to the schedule and plan (even though I tend to fail), and avoid saying <– those kind of comments to myself because it only re-enforces the need or want to give up. I am good enough! I have survived and thrived but I have to stop letting people take my power. This time, after surviving…months later I am not thriving because the person taking my power is still present. Usually this person goes out with the old and I start a new but somehow they are still in the side lines….only technically working as the puppet master in my show, dictating my abilities, sabotaging my success. No, I don’t want to answer the phone. Yes, I want to work and have clients. No, I don’t want to talk to them on the phone. Can they text me? I’ll pay for a scheduling app. Okay, but now I have to make sure I am available. I may not be. I have this and that and this and that.

FUCK! Shoot me! I have an overactive brain that loooooooooves to check out at the most inopportune times. It frustrates me and I often wonder what the hell I have done with my life. How did I get here? Well, one thing is for certain. The most successful people have had the most failures. Or so they say. Not sure how they determined this or even who “they” are but I’m assuming it is peer-reviewed, empirical data presented by a scholar….pfft, many research bends to what people want you to believe so what and who can you trust these days. I suppose it doesn’t matter the research behind what makes a successful person because it’s in the presentation and success is measured by the individual. *chuckles* My brain….cracks me up….”MOOOOOOOOOM! Jennifer is taking me down bunny trails again!” “Get to the point, Jennifer!” Fine! The point is, without failure we cannot learn the deeper lessons of what it takes to succeed. I have felt successful in my life only now I work to be successful in my own business. Maybe its not the right time to be in a PhD program or throw myself into all these projects for my own business because I have a VERY LARGE end goal for what I want the community to be. Not based on money but the internal happiness of spirit and connection between people and nature, self and others, on a much more profound level. Only it takes money to make this happen. The longer I put it off the more its costing me without jumping.

What Do We Do? We SWIM!

With all that said, I have to jump. I have to remember that nothing is truly constant and there are no guarantees in the choices we make. Nothing will be perfect because it does not exist. I will figure it out as I go but I have to keep swimming “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming….what do we do? We SWIM! Even though I can only really float and doggy paddle….I have to keep at it or I will sink. Sinking is not an option for me although my lazy mind wants to many days. I can’t let it win. I can’t let those who inflicted pain on me win. I can’t let my internal perception on my pain take my life. To be my own perpetrator is madness! Much like my physical injuries, my internal ones cannot take over again as they once did when I was young. It is effecting my health, business, relationships, and self.

Even though I am not shooting to REPEAT my mistakes, I am going to repeat the attempt at normalcy, consistency, and stability again and again and again and again and again and again….well, you get the idea. (and again)

WAKE UP! GET UP! DON’T LET YOUR MIND TALK YOU OUT OF IT!

RINSE – WASH THAT SHIT OFF FROM THE DAY BEFORE, EMBRACE the small successes to give life to bigger goals, put your crap behind you but HANG ON TO THE LESSONS! You tried! Good job! (no, seriously)

REPEAT! DO IT! DON’T QUESTION YOUR CAPABILITIES! GO OUT AND GET WHAT YOU WANT! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOU KNOW!

Lastly, I ask…..what’s it all for? What’s the point? What have I done with my life? I’m just getting too old for this starting over crap. (As I chuckle….I hear myself speaking to clients)…It’s never too late to start fresh or build on what you have. It’s never too late to adjust your life. There may be end goals here but life is about the journey. It is ever changing and we are to evolve, adapt, and change with it. Worrying about things we cannot control is insane. Sit that aside and remember that nothing is perfect or as it seems. It is our perception that changes the experience. Remain the course, as each day may present another obstacle but you can, have, and will survive. Thriving is all about intention. Do not let the anxiety win your mind over….don’t play its cruel games and fall into fear. Don’t sit in the bullshit. Don’t listen to the shitty committee because they are haters only attempting to keep you down because they are scared. Those haters can be found in real people within your life. Who cares if they doubt your decisions? Who cares if they don’t approve? Why does it matter if those who inflict pain on you care? It shouldn’t — even if it does. Bye, Felicia. Gotta go! Potatoes gonna potate and haters gonna hate. Yes, I’m all about movie quotes, memes, and all that jazz. It’s just what you have to do. Find the humor to find strength. “Why sooooo serious?!” My shitty committee is the negative within my mind that talks to me just like those real life people who doubt me, keep me down, and I ALLOW it to control me. I shook them off before and I will shake it off again. It may be a day by day battle but eventually….they will STFU!

And with that said…. How’d I get here? How’d I let it? Well, I don’t control everything. What I can control is myself, my actions, and shut my negative overactive part of my brain up while turning up the volume on the positive, empowered, and confident self. I got here because I didn’t quit! I got here because I am human! I got here because I made both good and bad decisions. I lived life. It was not for nothing though. I have learned a lot and I would not take back my experiences because they have only made me stronger. They have taught me lessons and skills that I can bring to others. I may not be where I want to be now but I am headed to where I want to go. Tomorrow is a new day to do it all over again, take another step forward, learn from the back steps, recognize that life requires a step back sometimes and it’s all part of the journey. So, I will take it in stride. I’ll keep plugging into my life. Don’t allow the anxiety to lock me out of my own home, keep working on self-compassion and care, seeking for answers even if my flashlight is broken, using my tools to light my way as I build strength and confidence in myself, and embrace the change.

While I’m on a roll, it’s time to cut things out of my life that don’t actually hold value. It’s time to go all in. I can’t keep dipping my toe in the water hoping for a big splash. Fuck it! So, if you made it to the end of this blog post…. thank you. I am long winded and I hope that you have found value in my process. Don’t forget to like the post and follow my page. I’ll be linking this to my website soon. It should have been done but all of the above happened. I suppose we can call it Failure to Launch…….again. (as I laugh at my lame jokes but hey….someone laughed).

Until next time, be well, be BOLD, be GENUINE, BE YOU!

#howdidigethere #betruetoyourself #overcomingptsd #dontregret #confidence #failuretolaunch #nevergiveup #itsthejourney #NewBeginnings #overcomingfear #ptsd #anxiety #WakeUp