Awareness – The Good, the Bad, and the Realist

Today I want to emphasize the importance of awareness but also issue a warning for all the over analyzers out there. If there is anything that I have learned throughout my life it is that we attract like-minded people. So, if you are cruising this blog, more than likely you think, act, have experienced, or have the same goals as I do. Some would call this the Law of Attraction but I won’t get into that at the moment. Today, I’m moved to write about some things that have come up in my life previously and I have overcome. Only for them to happen again. Thing is, I knew it was happening when it began. I exhausted all possible solutions to solve the problem. Thing is, you can’t make anyone do anything. Not even with police involvement. This situation did not go that far, nor do I believe it needs to but perhaps if I had involved the authorities earlier I would not have experienced what I have. I could have saved myself a whole lot of issues. At least, that is what the shitty committee (my favorite group of “friends” in my mind — the negative Nancies that beat me up, make me feel guilty, and feed my insecurities) would have me believe.

Educational Intermission: See, everyone has this inner voice, a conscience, or a committee that they use for decision making that drives behaviors. Sigmund Freud defined the human psyche (consciousness or personality) with three constructs called the id, ego, and superego. He describes the id as the child within. Like a child, when the id (kid) wants something, it does not care about anyone or anything else. Its sole purpose is food, water, shelter, and sleep. The id is the part of ourselves that develops as a child up to age 3. If you know anything about the developmental years, you know how important these years are as they dictate how our relationships form, communication skills, defense mechanisms, coping skills, and so many other things. This is the time our knowledge is truly beginning to develop and as a child during its first few years, the id is unable to understand feelings outside of themselves. Their view of life is very concrete and subjective by nature. They only know their own needs and don’t know how to care for the needs of others because they cannot view the world objectively. They have not quite developed the ability to see the world in an abstract way. Things are very much black and white. The possibility of grey is simply not something they can grasp. Freud believed that we were born with our id because it is the part of our personality that allows us to get our basic needs met and is based on the pleasure principle. Think of a young child who wants something, even if they do not need it, they will do what is necessary to attempt to fill that need or want (pleasure). If you have ever heard the term instant gratification, this would be the part of our personalities that feed off of instant gratification. It doesn’t mean it is wrong, it simply comes from this area of our personalities. As many of you know, the id can get us in trouble in many ways. If we allow the id to drive our personality, we usually don’t make the best decisions and can often get us into trouble. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of fun can be had too. It is important to have a happy balance as you will see as you read further.

The ego is the next part of our personality to develop. As a child continues to develop, they begin to understand the world in a different manner. They learn the reality of their situation (or at least begin to). They learn that people do not disappear behind blankets, people have their own feelings, needs, and desires, and acting selfishly can hurt their feelings. We begin to learn that reacting on impulse is not always the best choice and can damage us in the long run. This part of our personality allows us to see the true reality of the situation. Freud believed that this part of our personality was the part that should be the most in control. The part of us that thinks realistically and understands the gravity of the situation. More on this later.

The superego is the last part of our personality that develops around the age of five or so. Based on development and expectations of us by our caregivers, we begin to learn about morals and ethics. We should begin to develop a sense of right and wrong or good and bad. It is this part of our personality that is rigid, can be judgemental, and inflexible with the world around us. If we allow the superego to guide our decisions, we can often spend a great deal of time attempting to force our own morals and values on others. I like to think of the superego as the authoritarian parent that does not care why you did something, only that it was wrong. There is no flexibility, no understanding, and concern for anything outside of what is right and wrong. Others may view the superego as an A.I.’s understanding of the world. This also emphasizes their need to save us from ourselves. The lack of understanding as to how our needs drive us to make bad decisions. All the A.I. sees is the logical choice without understanding the multiple layers of emotions that drive our thoughts and behaviors.

With that said, the ego is the realistic part of ourselves that is supposed to decipher between basic needs, pleasure, considering others emotions and feelings, and determining the moral or ethical decisions. Freud believed that the ego is a small fraction of our true selves. The id and superego are only part of the vast part of our subconscious that drives instinct and behavior. It holds the underlying emotions, feelings, beliefs, and impulses that we are not aware of on the surface. Thus, protecting us from severe anxiety or fear that on the surface does not appear but still continues to impact us. He believed, as I do, that through awareness and exploration, we can come to access that part of our minds, to understand our motives and learn to control our actions. He also believed that this is the place where things such as your phone number are stored. Though we can access our subconscious, it can never be our active conscious. The ego’s job is to determine the best decisions given all of the information.

Sometimes we listen to the kid inside, allowing our pleasure principle to decide our actions, and other times our ethical and moral side can ultimately make our decisions. The ego finds or is supposed to decipher, a happy medium between the two. Sometimes we are overly judgemental and rigid, and sometimes we act on instinct, allowing fear or anxiety to take over. It is up to us to work to become more aware of our subconscious actions, the underlying reasons we do what we do and why. Only then can we truly begin to make appropriate decisions to create change or even work to rewrite our internal story in such a way that we perceive the past differently, healing whatever pains we endured or were believed to be significant, and growing from the process.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program: I labeled my inner child as the shitty committee that continues to work to keep me in fear, anxious, and reactive. The part of me that can feed the negative thoughts that have won over my decisions in the past. Though the id is considered to be one part of the subconscious personality, I believe that the superego can be viewed as a negative, overbearing, controlling, part of our personality. The ego, the one living in the present, can be confused by the arguments between the two, overwhelmed with the decisions, unsure of what is real, what is true, what is just, what is kind, and if it is us that is to sacrifice or others. This internal argument is one that happens within us all but we are not all aware of it. If you have ever sat ruminating over something so much, unable to make a decision, this is what is taking place. It is as if your mind is playing tricks on you and your ego is stuck in the middle not knowing the sky from the ground. Or if you make a decision only to then feel bad about the outcome, this is your ego working to make sense of both sides of your personality. Thing is, most people hate this process of failing in making the right decision but it is these failures that allow us to begin to decipher the solution, determining the best outcome for the future. It is through trial and error that we learn the brunt of our actions and are able to determine the best solution with minimal pain for all.

I speak of these areas of the psyche because they are important to understanding the many layers of the mind, why we do what we do, how we determine the best solution or ignore the best solutions, and why it appears that emotions drive decisions in an unhealthy manner for many. For those people, the id simply reacts to situations that remind them of pain they have experienced in the past and instead of thinking logically about the situation, determining the appropriate action, the id instinctively reacts. This would be considered a defense mechanism that is used to protect ourselves from pain. These can be successful and protect us in times we are truly vulnerable but they can also cause us to react unnecessarily, or jump the gun when it is not called for. Without being aware of the subconscious triggers that engage the fight or flight mechanism, we can continue to live in fear of the pain, anxious about the possibility, and in turn, causing further undue pain on ourselves that may not be necessary.

So, the shitty committee can be running the show if I allow my conscious to get overwhelmed by their need to control everything. The id’s need to get needs met, not caring for others, and the superego being overly judgmental and protective. More often than not, I meet people who understand this internal battle and many whom have been called “crazy” for knowing about it. Some call it the voices inside their heads and though many people experience actual voices, this internal talk is something everyone experiences but not all are aware of. I’m a firm believer that those that experience a disconnect from emotion and instead have a physical reaction, often struggle to hear the internal discussion or are too scared to make a decision, want to check out and be happily numb to the situation. This happens all too often for many people. It comes in forms of “sucking it up” and “put your big girl panties on” or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” Often being told to not feel their emotions even if they are an overreaction. Feeling emotions is considered a weakness. Talking about emotions is even worse but the most profound experience for most is allowing themselves to feel the emotion and talk out how they truly feel about it, come to a conclusion or simply process the experience. More often than not, I have had more clients significantly improve their lives by acknowledging and processing their feelings, thoughts, and validating themselves, right or wrong. There is power in doing so. Therapy is and should be (in my eyes) this process. A therapist’s job is to guide the client to identify the needs that are needed to be met, the fear or anxiety about the problem, the defense mechanisms, the moral and ethical issues in question, and to bring these to the light to process, make sense of, and learn how to do so to improve overall ego functioning. Just because you had a desire to react in a childish way or was overly emotional about something you think is silly, that does not make the feeling any less real. Let’s say it really seemed silly and your adult side understood this but internally you called yourself dumb or stupid because your child was upset? Can you see where I’m going with this? You are simply validating that the child’s feelings or emotions are not important. There are several different ways to look at this but ultimately one of the biggest challenges client’s face is learning to validate the emotion and see the id’s way of seeing it but utilizing the superego to evaluate the situation and determine what is right and wrong, while the ego sees realistically what is going on in the hear and now. Often the reaction is based on an emotion linked to someone else and not the current person. Assuming a current person or issue will have the same outcome as the past is not always realistic. So, as you see, all sides of your personality can hold important roles and quieting one while another takes over is not best. Learning how to use them all effectively is the most important thing.

So, what does any of this have to do with what I started to write? Who knows. I began this with an idea in mind and all too often it molds its self into something completely different, which is fine. However, the takeaway of this should be that being aware does not determine that results will change. Being aware that why or how we do things, what drives us, what needs we need to get met, and what pleasure-seeking behaviors we have doesn’t determine change. Awareness is only the first part. For many, awareness may be out of their reach, while for others, being more aware can automatically change behaviors. For some, this controls their actions, fills the gaps in understanding, and provides clarity. This may be true in some situations and not in others. Therefore, the key is to know that awareness is only the first step. The next step is knowing what to do with that information and determining all possible perceptions of the situation. So, knowing that we do things for a certain reason does not make the action right. Learning the correct action, how to determine the correct action, and what to do is the point. Without that and without having the ability to see the objective point of view or to feel the objective point of view, having empathy for others, it is difficult to grow from the process.

For our over thinkers who love this stuff and those who overanalyze just about everything, like myself. This may be difficult for you. If you have the ability to see all angles, how do you determine what is the right angle? How do you determine if you forgive others, overlook mistakes, or know when to walk away? How do you determine when enough is enough? What if they did not have anyone who understood in the past? What if no one was patient with them? What if they have grown so much? What if they still have so much more growth to do? Who determines that? When is it that you are helping them and when is it that you are working to change them for your own personal gain? How do you determine if what you want and need is appropriate for them? Is wanting them to change to be a better person for your gain, societal gain, their benefit, or a combination of them all? If asking someone to change is a bad thing, does it make us a bad person to want them to change for the better? Is their need for drama and pain working for them or harming them? Is it only you affected? Is it your fault? Did you do something wrong? Were you not good enough? Did you expect too much? Are you being too judgemental or unbending? Did you change? Was this your fault? Could you have done more? Could you be more forgiving? Are you taking this too personal? Are you being too emotional? Are you being too lazy? Is this all in your head?

These are all thoughts that people think about that lead to unforgiving emotions. Guilt, remorse, regret, pain, fear, anxiety, depression, shame, insecurity, sadness, pride, and any other number of emotions that could be driving thoughts and actions. How do you determine right and wrong? When do you stand up for yourself and say enough is enough? Are you enabling them or are you enabling yourself? Who should you listen to? Will this pass? What is wrong with you? What is up and what is down? Can you ever forgive yourself? Can you ever forgive them? Will your life be normal again? What is normal? Am I destined for pain? Am I destined to be alone? Am I fostering greatness by stepping away? Am I making a mistake I will regret further?

Yep, I said them. I’m sure I could go on forever but for now, I believe I have written enough. I started with a purpose of what I wanted to write and I ended in a completely different place. Ironically, this is often how life works. We may have good intentions or have a plan set in place but in the end, we could end up in a totally different place, having gone a totally different route, and feeling a completely different way. I began this post because I felt sad and needed to vent but like I expressed about my view of what therapy “should” be, this post has served as my personal evaluation of the bigger picture. Instead of writing a blog about the process of what I was experiencing, it became an educational expression, one that allows me to see that sometimes we simply do not have the answers. Sometimes we have more questions than we can answer. We never truly know if the decisions we make today will benefit us in the long run. Sometimes walking away now hurts the most but can be the best decisions we make. Sometimes we regret and sometimes we have to point out the facts to ourselves as to why we should not regret, feel guilty, or be sad. Sometimes we have to see that we MUST put ourselves first. Sometimes we have to make sense of the insensible. Life is messy. Life is brief. Life is also amazing, wonderful, and inspiring but it is our job to remember that we are worth any effort we put in to become better people, be not only more kind to others but compassionate and kind to ourselves. No one else will show you as much kindness as you can show to yourself. Sadly, we are the ones that give the least to ourselves.

I spend a lot of time teaching clients the difference between good selfish and bad selfish. Bad is when you care nothing about others and only care about yourself. Good is when you care about others and care about yourself but will not sacrifice your values and morals for others. That does not mean you have to be rude to others. It means you may apologize but still do you. You may not like what they do but it doesn’t mean you have to hate them because they don’t have to feel your way. Let them live their life. Then you have those who are the bad selfish but not for themselves, for drugs or any other addiction that has arisen to get their unmet needs met only to leave them unfulfilled and needing more and more of whatever that is. They are selfish for whatever that is and definitely not selfish for themselves. They aren’t taking care of themselves. They are getting needs met that don’t actually solve any problems.

So, I will force myself to leave you with this because I feel the need to keep writing as I stumble upon another point. You are not perfect. You are not expected to be perfect. We are the hardest on ourselves and show the least kindness to ourselves. Know that you are worth fighting to be better than before. You are worth the struggle to improve. You are worth more than you know or give yourself credit for. Listen to your inner child, process your emotions, validate your feelings, then evaluate the logical and reasonable aspects, work to see something positive that can come out of the pain, fear, anxiety. What lessons have they taught you? What areas have you grown? What areas still need work? Seeing it is one thing. Taking action towards change is another. You can do more than you think you can. You can survive more than you think you can. Don’t allow your mind to tell you otherwise or the shitty committee to bring you down. Use them to motivate, empower, and inspire positive growth and change within you. You can overcome. You can endure. Create a plan. Create a goal. Simply move forward. Learn from the past but don’t live there. Remember the past but don’t carry it as a burden. You are your greatest strength. Find it. Hone in on it. Own it. Embrace it.