Memories and Long Lost Relationships

I was researching some Microsoft 365 information today and came across an old email from a past friend some 17 years ago hidden in the contacts of my first Hotmail account that is still active to this day. It got me to thinking about friends I've had over the years. Wondering how their lives turned out, what happened of them if their lives improved, they got married, had kids, or set out to reach their dreams I once knew.

Curious me Googled the email address and turned up with nothing, so I took to Facebook. Low and behold, a lot of people I had come to mind are actually following me but not my friends. I found myself then distracted and cruising their pages. Some would call it stalking, but I'd prefer to say I was snooping, curious why some would follow me but say nothing at all. Some I understand.... respect of a wife, friend, or whatever else may be going on... others I didn't understand until I asked myself if I should send them a message and decided it may be best not to. I don't want to be the one to upset anyone. Who knows what or if others they know have any idea about me and what if I did something pretty hateful, bad, or hurt their feelings, but I don't remember?! Maybe, I'll just smile that they had thought about me too and choose to remember the good times (if I can't remember anything at all with this CRS). Hell, even if there are no specifics that I remember, I do know that remembering the past, even times I felt so lost...alone....desperate for some form of close friendship or companionship...someone who understood me and accepted me for who I was even when I had no idea what that meant. It just....it got me thinking...

Life makes its rounds somehow in someway. People come and go in your life while others may stand by watching but never saying much if anything. We may not talk on the daily, nor have we caught up on the years we have been apart but know that I do think about the past. The fun times I've had and those I still can't quite remember. The f'ed up times in my life, those who were with me then, those I got into trouble with, and those who influenced my further decline into feeling lost. Don't get me wrong; I take full responsibility for my own actions. I definitely played a part in the life I lived. If anyone helped, aided, or fueled that downfall, I allowed it to happen, but I also needed it to happen.

See, I wouldn't be where I am today without all of those experiences in my life, both good and bad. I may not have my own immediate human family (I have three cats) nor do I have any children or significant other to call my own. I've lost, and I've gained throughout the years. I have had experiences I would not wish on anyone else, but I have also had outcomes that I hope many would have. Throughout the ups and downs, I grew. I got to know who I am, what I stand for, what I will and will not tolerate, and stopped needing validation from others so much that it kept me in a cycle of pushing and pulling people, finding codependency around all corners, and only fueling my past and desperate need to connect.

Instead, I spend my life helping others find their own true happiness with themselves. One could argue that I don't have much to show for my life such as a family of my own...so how could have anything to bring to the table?! Like that person that would argue, I also asked myself that same question when I got to the end of my last relationship... Why me? I've spent years working on improving myself, caring for myself and others, being aware of my emotions, not allowing people to step on me and then blow up, not hanging on to unrealistic expectations and not having irrational beliefs that keep me angry or mad more than half the time. I live my life as happy as I can. I tend to feel peaceful, fulfilled, and although I see the multiple ways every situation can be perceived, I don't get stuck on the negative. Hell, I don't see the negative half the time. It's funny; I was just talking to someone last night about perception. If we are so insecure about ourselves and not confident that things will work out, we can tend to see something that is not there. We can read into texts, emails, and other comments as if another was being hateful but the majority of the time....people aren't trying to be hateful. Instead, we respond to what we think is negative in a negative way, which results in the other person also becoming defensive. It's so odd how perception can make or break a conversation. People are often unclear about their intentions. They don't think if what they said could hurt another or they could take it out of context. They aren't able to come out and say, "hey, what's up? Why did you say it that way? Are you trying to be rude?" Nor do people tend to respond with, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way at all. I really meant well. I was joking (or insert whatever here). I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I apologize." Instead, life is a series of mistaken understanding and misconceptions. We fear asking if the other really meant to be hateful. We fear asking others if we offended them. We fear so many things in this life that keep us distant from others. I happily went on a tangent, but my point here is... I was that person. I was defensive. I was NOT receptive to others. I did NOT take constructive feedback but I also did not feel that others knew how to give it. We need more of this understanding. True care and concern for one another. I'm happy to say that although I have my moments I revert to old behaviors, I am quick to pick up on my emotions and triggers. If I don't catch it fast enough, I am sure to apologize anyway. I may explain what happened and although it does not make a mistake okay, it explains, I take responsibility for my actions and attempt to make things right. I no longer lose myself when I'm mad or feel wronged. I don't find the need to defend myself for acting an ass because I don't allow myself to get that upset. I address problems before they escalate. I want to talk about a possible problem before it becomes an issue. I'm receptive. I don't hold things in, and I don't allow myself to lose control of my emotions. I know that there are things you cannot take back, you cannot forgive, you will never forget, and can never make right again. I was never one to say unGodly hateful things, but I have been guilty of being hateful and downright psycho-ish. Pain will do a thing or two to you. What I know now is that no matter if or how hateful someone is to me, it's not worth responding to them in the same matter. We don't hear each other. We aren't getting anywhere. What is the point? I don't need to so-called WIN. No one wins anyway.

I got off track per usual.... I digress. This was not the initial purpose for this post, but maybe it's the exact direction it needs to go. If there's anything I learned most is that I allow my intuition to guide me. It's when I do not listen that I make bad choices. So, I asked.... why me? What's wrong with me? Why am I not married and with kids? Am I missing something? I know I make bad choices but is there something more I can do to grow and learn? What do I have to bring? Should I just settle? Am I asking too much of people? I thought I overcame this... To which my sister lovingly responded, "There's nothing wrong with you. If anything, I respect you more because you won't settle. You know what you want and what you deserve." I think she's right. I know plenty of married couples who didn't make it, some still married and not happy, others struggling to find their place in the world as a single parent, and those who couldn't be happier with the family life they live. One thing I do know, even if they are happy, everyone does think about the other side even if for a moment. My sis said life would be easier to be single and just do whatever but I know better. My cats limit me and I'm okay with that decision. I also know I can do more but I don't want them to not feel comfortable. We tend to find a family even if we don't actually have one of our own. I remember it not being enough and even being upset with my boy when he'd bug me for so much attention. For someone so desperate for companionship, I sure was pushing it away (even if it was my cat). I was mad at the world and mad at myself. Today, I'm not that person. I love snuggles with my boy. He still drives me nuts meowing at times, but I laugh instead of getting mad. The things that once set me off and mattered to me just don't anymore because I'm not waiting for the ball to drop. I'm not investing so much into things before I know there is something to invest. I didn't have expectations of others when I was never promised something. People can't read my mind, and I can't read theirs. Demeanor or not, we cannot sit by and expect people to know we are upset, to know when to say something, and to wait for them to take the first step. If they mean something to you, speak up. Say that they hurt your feelings and you really thought they were going to come over, but you didn't hear from them. That's not to say you sat down whining and crying. If you were legitimately excited and then let down, say so. We can't expect others to know. We can get upset at someone for saying something that we assumed they meant hateful or as a malicious attack, but they are none-the-wiser. I've seen people hold grudges over small, yet seemingly huge situations for years or decades when all it took was less than a minute to ask, "dude, were you just trying to be rude? That was kind of an asshole thing to say." Only for the other person to genuinely say, "oh man, I really wasn't trying to be an asshole. I didn't mean for you to take it that way. I'm sorry, my bad. What I really meant to say was...." Crazy to think of how quickly a problem can be solved but isn't.

So, why me?! hmm... WHY NOT ME?! I refuse to be down that I don't have what others have. The grass seems to be greener at times, and I choose to live the best life that I can live. No kids, that's fine...more time with clients, loved ones, and eventually (sooner rather than later) I'll adopt a few that need a family of their own. No marriage, that's fine. It seems that it may not be all it's cracked up to be, nor does it mean what it used to. I'm okay with being me. Being single isn't bad. It's my own personal isolation; the more I get older that becomes a problem. I mean, how do you meet people these days? I refuse to go to a bar! It's not my scene, and people already think I'm weird when I just openly talk to them in public. You know, they secretly love the interactions.... and so do you. In a world where we are so connected (literally) and have the ability to see so much into other people's lives, and yet more disconnected than ever before. I find my purpose and great meaning in giving hope to those who desperately want that connection, meaning, purpose, and love only not to realize that it is a love for oneself that can ultimately allow for greater growth and stronger connections than ever before. So, me...I may not have a family of my own... I still have my family though, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I may not have a ton of friends, and those I am closest with are similar to myself.... we talk, but our lives keep us busy at times... it doesn't change our connection... Time may go by, but when we connect, again, it will be like no time has passed.

I ponder on my life, the experiences I have had, people I have encountered, some that made a large impact in a short amount of time and others that barely left but a few memories in a great amount of time. There are times I am not so proud of, but those moments molded me into the person I have become today. It may have taken years until I was able to truly grow, but I guarantee I have not stopped since that time began. I'd say it's along the lines of around 13 years ago that real change began although I have fell flat on my face numerous times. I swear that if we don't fail, we don't grow. I mean, after all, the most successful people are said to have failed the most. The key is that they get back up and make another attempt. I'd like to say that it is me. I may not be where I want to be, but I am so much better than I was yesterday. My hopes, dreams, and aspirations have taken form in many ways, but they only get more clear as time passes.

As far as my followers on Facebook go, there are others that I know your face and your name; however, CRS has taken over, and I have no idea how I know you but I know I do. It's funny how I often tell people that sometimes I'll hear an old name from school and swear it's a celebrity because I know the name but can't recall the person. Oddly enough, it usually turns out to be someone I knew of in high school but never met them. I guess it's the same concept. Years that I held onto so much for so long that seem but a distant memory some days, like yesterday on other days, and as if from a totally different lifetime the rest.

So, to all those who follow me or even friends out there lingering but not saying much... it's been a long day of remembrance for me. I've peeked into your lives, some I have reached out to but many I have not. It's not because I don't want to. Maybe it is because I do not know what to say. What would we have in common today? What could I say to right any wrongs if I didn't remember them? How could I possibly enrich your life when many, if not most of you, appear to be happy and well. I'm well aware that people show what they want to show and that there is much under the mask that is left untold, but I find that I don't want to disturb "the force" as silly as that sounds. I wondered why you'd chose to follow my public posts but not ask to friend me. Why wouldn't you reach out? Instead, I understand. I remember you, the good and the bad. I choose to remember the good. For those of you that there was a lot of bad, just know that I perceive those experiences as a stepping stone, lessons learned, the development of resilience, and a beacon of hope for others. People survive those times and then go on to thrive.

So, if you feared my response or wondered what may be... just know that I have thought of you. I think of you from time to time. I carry those memories, experiences, lessons, and mistakes with me as a reminder of the person I desperately wanted to be and often fell short of. I also recognize that reaching to become something I clearly was not only continued the cycle of self-hate and self-inflicted pain. Instead, I'm proud of the person I have become today. For I am me, the true, unfiltered, unashamed, happy but always growing, hopeful, loving, and giving person I am today. I have boundaries and limitations, but I'm flexible and compassionate. I'm passionate about helping others help themselves. I can't change the world, but I hope to influence it. Hell, I can't change one person, I can only lead by example and model the change I hope to see in the world. To lead with kindness that should not be taken lightly but given freely without expectation.

Lessons I've learned:

1. To give and expect in return, the gift is not freely given. If you cannot afford to give, do not.

2. Time is among the most precious gift one can give but be present in the moment and have the full experience.

3. There is so much positive in the world that others cannot see. Change your perception, change your life. In all things negative, there is a multitude of positive.

4. If you have to prove yourself to someone, it is not genuine. The only person you should prove anything to is yourself. Anything other than that does not stick and is usually false.

5. Not everyone is out to get you, and most the time, people didn't mean to hurt you, but we assumed they did. If you find that they did, return to the original situation that began the fight or drama. I bet someone was defensive, someone was hurt, and maybe both lashed out.

6. Many people you can't have a decent conversation or discussion with. They are simply defensive about just about everything. You can't change them and shouldn't have to so leave them where they are.

7. If people tend to start arguments and need to fight or win, let them. What's it truly matter? If they need so badly to win that they'd go above and beyond to be hateful, stop before it escalates. You win. Then walk away. You have a choice to still associate with them or not.

8. You can't change people so you can accept them for who they are or you can choose to walk away and not associate with them. There's a choice. Either change your thinking and perception or move around and change your life.

9. If people are hateful to you, it doesn't mean that you should be hateful back. No one needs that kind of negativity in the world. Karma exists, so don't allow others to rent space in your head and control your emotions.

10. Sometimes people snap at you because they had a bad day, are stressed out, overworked, underpaid, lack sleep, lost a loved one, or any other number of things. It doesn't make it right if they treat you like shit, but your reaction and response CAN affect their day in a positive manner. It can also diffuse a situation if there is one. Understanding that people are human and make mistakes...that it's not always a personal attack even if it seemed like it was can keep those situations from affecting your day.

11. Using the objective point of view and not to react subjectively can keep you in a more positive state.

12. When receiving a subjective comment or situation, addressing it with a question or shutting it down then and there without an argument often works best in the long run. "I understand you may have had a bad day, but I don't appreciate you talking to me that way. It's not cool." Other times, you may need to say that and walk away.

13. Assertive communication is not weak. It does not mean that you baby others emotions and ignore faults or allow others to walk over you. It means you have a set of boundaries that you will and will not tolerate, but you also know that people are human and don't have to be hateful when addressing the problem.

14. Stern and consistent is key. People don't hear you when you are yelling or attacking them. No one wins.

15. Not speaking up in order to keep the peace is also a losing situation. You often lose yourself. If speaking up assertively creates a problem, it's time to move around.

16. Real and true people will love you no matter what, but the ones that matter the most will always work to improve themselves and find a fair compromise when a solution is not as easy to find.

17. Giving a reason why with an apology isn't an excuse. It's an explanation of the decision, and the apology is identifying that the decision was wrong even if it was meant well.

18. People are more prone to be forgiving if they understood why you did or do what you do and you're working towards change (i.e., a server slammed in their section, horribly in the weeds, but working so hard to catch up stops by to apologize for the delay, gives an eta, and you openly see them trying to catch up). Even if the server drops the ball completely, people are more prone to be understanding. It doesn't make it okay, but they understand.

19. The why is not as important when used alone if there is not an acknowledgment. Acknowledging another person's troubles or problems or how your mistakes have set them back is important to gain understanding. The why gives the explanation, but the acknowledgment indicates awareness that even if they were struggling, they are now being affected as well. People tend to appreciate when others don't act like the world revolves around them. For example, if a car cuts you off in traffic, you're more likely to be cussing them out for doing so but if they raise up their hand acknowledging you as if they apologize for being an ass... you're usually not mad anymore. It's crazy how far this one will go, especially if it's genuine. People like to know that others care even if they don't know them. You are seen, heard, acknowledged, and your feelings matter -- go figure.

20. Last but not least, lead with love! This doesn't mean going around allowing others to use or abuse you, to live in a dream world with butterflies and rainbows, or sitting in a circle holding hands trying to reach a higher plane. That's great if that's your thing and I encourage a good session of meditation, but that's not what I mean here. If you lead with a love for humans, life, and work to perceive the positive rather than the negative, life will be so much more fulfilling. You won't be affected by people's words so much. You will be more understanding but also learn to know your boundaries. You don't seek for revenge but for resolution, and if that can not be met, you don't attempt to force it because people have their own choices and lives to live, who are you to need or want them to change. There are so many people in the world, if you aren't happy now, move around. Let people be where they are. They may eventually come around, they may learn to see or believe what you do, but they also may not. Let them be them...of course within legalities and reason. If they aren't a harm to self or others then who are they hurting. Respect them for their own opinions and move on. It's pretty simple. The only person we can change is ourselves. We can only influence others by leading by example, modeling, and reinforcing behaviors. It is possible to inspire change, but we do not change others and should not expect that we can. All we can do is be open to receive their own opinions and attempt to understand what they believe. Only then can we choose to change our own views or respect that they are different. You'd be surprised how many people change their perspectives by hearing how and why you believe what you do. Others may not change their own beliefs, but by understanding why others have their own beliefs, they aren't bothered that they are different.

This has molded itself in a very unexpected way. It started as a Facebook post and moved into a blog post, but it has become so much more for me. I've spent most of the day exploring my past, seeing old friends, reaching out to others, and acknowledging the journey I have had in this life. For something that began with some curiosity and molded into a little bit of sorrow, it has now brought me full circle and brought me peace. It's not been the greatest journey, but it's been profound. I can't say that I regret anything, but I will never stop growing. There is always more to reach, but that's because we evolve, and so should our understanding/insight. I'm at peace with my life today, who I am, and blessed to have encountered those that I have on my journey. It makes me wonder if we ever truly forget people. Memories may elude us but can often be triggered by a photo, conversation, song, or any other thing in this world. Although my experiences have led to forgetting many memories, I am not free from emotion upon encountering and in this case stumbling upon people from my past. The memories may fade, but the emotions are still there. I remember moments that felt like my entire world, others that I worried or was angry about that meant so much at the time and so little now, and a time when I had less to worry about and so much more life to live and learn.

So, to those who are there but not there, please know that I have not forgotten you. Good or bad, I appreciate the time we had. It is those memories that served as a solid foundation, and although we may be out of touch, I carry them with me. I wish you all the best, and I hope you are well.