Hope and Heartache

So, I’ve have quite a few thoughts running through my head this past holiday season. I mean, I had plenty of time to sit and ponder on the world, people, life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and despair that loss can bring. It sounds kind of morbid but its hard not to think about these things when you spend the holidays alone. I was doing okay though. I spent time cleaning, moving things, culling my apartment, working on my business, watched relationship holiday movies (that didn’t make me feel depressed oddly enough), and caught up on some mind numbing television. I tend to sit in my home alone and ponder. Like that statue of the naked man sitting and thinking — only clothed. I believe that piece of are is called The Thinker — yep I was right and in case you aren’t aware, here’s the piece below.

The Thinker

Interestingly enough, the thought of this sculpture is quite fitting for this post and I didn’t realize it until just this moment. The original sculpture was part of a monument that was conceived by Auguste Rodin in 1880 that was entitled The Poet. The idea was that The Thinker was a tortured and damned soul, free-thinking man that was leaning forward overlooking the gates of hell with hopes of overcoming the suffering he endured through poetry.

I tend to be a person that ponders on things. I chew on thought and have been told that I over analyze just about every thing. I suppose that is the truth but I’d spare the negative connotation of over analyzing. Perhaps thinking too much can both help and harm us. If you think about what the statue represents, there are several ways to perceive the piece. After all, this is what art is about anyway. Expressing an emotion, thought, feeling, or concept even if you don’t quite know what it is. For me, I don’t go into art with an idea. I find that I do best by allowing my hand and intuition lead me. I begin with a feeling or I attempt to be at peace with myself before allowing the art to speak to me. No, I don’t hear anything but I just let what feels right flow through me. I suppose that is the point of art such as this. I find the most meaning in work that I create without quite understanding or thinking before because my true belief, emotions, and perception tends to come out in the interpretation after I have completed the production. My art is nothing to write home about but I tend to find something very meaningful in it since I have begun to utilize the practice again after all these years.

I digress. This leads my mind to not only ponder but wander as it tends to do. I have such great plans for my future. Great big dreams that take time to put into motion but will they be successful? What is success? Can I grasp it? I simply want to be able to live my life as a happy person that puts small nuggets of insight into the world for others to find. So, what does this have to do with the current post? Only but a few hundred or more questions floating around in my mind. The minds cozy culdesac that sits and ponders about the world. That is what I did for the holidays. It was not intentional and I was quite successful at rewiring the regularly scheduled program into a free floating, ever so comforterable blob of DUH. Yep, I had to turn the volume down, change the channel, and dissociate from all there was or I would fall into the circles of hell for sure. What I didn’t intend is that I wouldn’t notice till after Christmas that I didn’t receive a call to watch presents opened, nor a thank you. The geodes I got for my two nieces and nephew that were to be split in half with me getting one of the four weren’t even broken. Then New Year’s I spent alone at home. I remember attempting to get a friend to talk with me before the holidays and I’d try to spend time with her and her family but no response.

When you start to get older you begin to wonder slightly different things than you once did in your younger years. When you once questioned what others were doing and maybe sat around questioning what is so wrong with you only to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trudging forward alone if you must. Now, you begin to wonder if all your analyzing, working to survive, understand, grow, and whatever else was worth it if you technically live your life alone. You question if you should have settled, shut up and put up with the bullshit you went through with ex’s, friends, or family. Am I too picky? Will I ever find happiness? Is anyone ever truly happy? It seems the grass is always greener but often it turns out that they are often pretty good at presenting themselves as happy to save face, lying to convince themselves.

So, why is it that as a human race we tend to always be left wanting more? Religious gurus will tell you its because we are sinners. I mean, Eve couldn’t resist the temptation of eating the damn apple. When we can’t have something we tend to want it more. What is it in us that causes this need and drives our curiosity? Which brings another question to mind…why did curiosity kill the cat? Going into uncharted territory is not a good idea but even this phrase warns us that seeking further knowledge is not always a good thing. Although it is great to learn new information and further expand research that advances the human race, it’s clear to see that as we evolve life appears to become much more confusing, leaving a crowded room of people feeling alone, disconnected, and overly sensitive. We have more emotions present in our day to day but less validation and coping skills than ever. That doesn’t mean that emotions never existed. They clearly did as people fought for land and killed those whom they did not understand or was not like themselves. This is nothing new to the world we live in today. We are now so attuned to the negative that it seems to be a job to think peacefully or be positive. Although the world has shifted, we still have the same problems today but presented differently.

Someone pointed out that it is “dumb to waste tax payers money to include emotional intelligence in school. People are born self-aware and those that don’t have common sense should be put down.” The sentence is a contradiction in and of itself. If people are all born self-aware and yet you also say that there are people that exist that do not have common sense, would that not indicate that not everyone is born aware of themselves. The further the conversation went down this rabbit hole the worse it got. “If I had to choose between shooting a human and a dog, I’d shoot the human because they are a waste of space if they aren’t self aware but dogs aren’t born self-aware so they can’t help it.” I sat thinking how idiotic this boy was. Does he even know what self-awareness is? Did he understand what I meant by stating that we should focus on improving emotional intelligence in childhood? The definition of self-awareness is being conscious of one’s own character, feelings, emotions, desires, and motives. Other definitions present it as also having the ability to notice physical sensations, habits, behaviors, reactions, and thoughts. Emotional intelligence is having the ability to so not only for the self but be aware of others traits of self. It is clear this person had no idea what it was. Ignorance is anger I suppose. It was definitely not bliss in his case.

So, can one truly be complete self-aware? I would suppose that at some point you miss the bigger interpretation and after all — perception is subjective. I could miss something that you don’t. Does it make my observation wrong? Is my inability to perceive your observation a major flaw in the system? Who is right or wrong and could be both be right and wrong? This is what leads me to my bajillionth point. We need people. Not to tell us what we do is wrong or right; although, that would be helpful if we were all receptive and if we knew how to deliver constructive criticism. If we are so used to constantly attempting to fix right and wrong or label all that we do as such, are we able to truly be happy? If we are alone and working on improving all that we can but others are not growing at the same rate, does it matter if we do? Does it matter to work on ourselves if we are to be alone? I think it does in order to find peace and joy that can not be given to you. It is only gained through our own personal growth and peace. But we all get lonely, do we not? We need other people not only to connect with but to share perceptions, ideas, thoughts, emotions, and observations that we could not see or we see and they cannot.

If you are so used to being alone but also secretly dislike it only to become fearful if you do get close to others….are you truly free?

These meme’s and empowering short blurbs are helpful in a time when we need some inspiration and strength but if you were alone for any long period of time would you not begin to feel lonely. It has been the case in the grass is greener situations of relationships. To be together for so long does not always allow for the kind of growth one may want or need to truly be happy. Living solely for yourself is considered selfish but there is a positive selfishness when one needs to learn how to live for the self to be happy but this is within reason of consideration of others, is it not?! To live for yourself, enjoy the life you live, and feel free this should include leaving people where they are, letting them do theirselves, being free from argument, fighting, manipulation, or the expectations of change. This is not often the case as people focus inward. They can still present as negative to others, hateful, and rude. Is this the meaning of happiness? Of course it’s not. It is through the understanding of difference, the respect for others to have their own opinions, wants, needs, desires, hopes and dreams (within reason) that allows us to be free from the pressure of society and optimistic of our own growth. We need each other and true self-awareness of emotions to grasp the concept. Emotional intelligence is key in transitioning to not only living a happy life with yourself but inducing peace for those around you.

So, what if no one is around you? Why? How does this happen? Are you thinking differently or too objectively? Are you too progressive or maybe its the over analyzing… hmmm…So many questions and so much to explore. If we eventually wish for something different than what we currently have, are we exactly right where we need to be? Do we truly go through seasons? What causes extreme confidence some years and incredible depression for others? What is it that we are missing, if anything? Are we doomed to become bored with our lives and continue the cycle?

I say “we” as if everyone is alone as myself or struggles with the same types of cycles. Clearly, this is not the case. What sets others apart from the pack? If we are always changing and evolving, a relationship should also evolve as we shift. That technically should keep any relationship alive if the other is open to shifting as change does. This calls for a constant sense of self-awareness, learning, internal self-growth, confidence, and determination above any other. It keeps it interesting but why is it that we fail to realize that we too are changing and instead we notice others no longer meeting the normal status quo when it may be ourselves that have continued to evolve. If we, in all our self-awareness and natural ignorance of shifts in character, beliefs or any other, are we ever truly or fully self-aware? Do we not need others to continue to grow? If we were alone for life, would we be required to adjust ourselves to meet our own emotional shifts? Yes, we would. If you have ever spent any length of time alone you know that there are swings in mood that take place. You can experience every emotion without attempting to do so. Our minds tend to wander without other things to do….but I shall save that for another time. The contemplation and bunny trails makes me sleepy…brain….must…..shut….doooooown.

Until we ponder again I leave you with this. Was it truly hell The Thinker was looking down on or was it his version of hell at that particular moment? If poetry can work to save him from his suffering, is this not the idea of personal development, meditation, and the point to analyzing? Could thinking not save us from ourselves and also create our private hell?