Communication & Perception

There are a plethora of ways any message can be received and delivered. Communication is a funny thing like that. Without a clear and direct approach the end result can be oh-so jumbled. Even then, especially today in our world , no one is quite certain if the so-called clear and direct approach is one to take at face-value. I am curious. Does anyone take what is said at face value anymore or do people assume there is always more lurking behind the facade people can tend to hide behind?

The world is full of lies, deceit, pain, sorrow, and uncertainty but it is also full of truth, honesty, love, compassion, and certainty. The interpretation is subjective and your reaction to witnessing another’s false interpretation of your message is also subjective. If they interpret you wrong, will you get defensive and upset that they misinterpreted you or didn’t read your mind? Many may say they would not assume anyone should read their mind or know their intent but truthfully we can all tend to have that expectation. We can expect certain people in our lives to know us, our intent, and basically read our minds. Even the best of us whom stress the importance of good communication can fall victim to unrealistic expectations and assumptions. People can be forgetful and sometimes things slip our minds. A reminder doesn’t always mean they forgot, they may have, but sometimes the second you begin to remind them it all comes flooding back. That is a natural human reaction. With all of the information we take into our minds in our lives, much-less on a daily basis, sometimes we can use a bit of a reminder. Not to mention those with depression, anxiety, PTSD, stress, and simply overloaded with tasks can tend to have foggy brain or mental exhaustion. The lack of sleep can also cause this problem that seems to either jumble the information in the mind or seem like a drunk person stumbling around in there to find the information only to finally say fuck-it leading to lying about remembering or asking for a refresher. The majority of people in this world experience all of the above so why would be have such expectations of others when we too drop the metaphorical ball too?

So, in the instance that you are misinterpreted and may get a defensive reaction to your seemingly innocent comment, question, or statement, do you apologize or gracefully stop them to explain your true meaning for the message? Do you walk away or do you work to right the wrong? Do you place blame on them for the misinterpretation or do you take accountability for your mistake or their possible misunderstanding?

And yet, the real question to ask is… Does it truly matter who is right and who is wrong? I mean, what do you get from being right? Does it make you feel good when they are upset without the intent? Will it kill you to admit your mistake (whether you made the mistake or not)? Why or why not?

These questions are ones asked of just about anyone I meet. I’m a firm believer that most of our problems in the world revolve around communication issues. The inability to send our message where it can be openly received. The inability to received messages due to a number of problems that may include blocking ourselves from seeing the truth or having compassion to see the truth pack a horribly sent message. Other issues revolve around not having the ability to receive the message of others because we may not agree or they may not be open to receive your interpretation OR even with a disagreement one may not have the ability to leave that other where they are in their beliefs, let them be themselves, have their own opinion, and simply go about our business. So many people believe their opinion is the only one to have and having a different opinion invalidates theirs or puts their opinion in question. This is not always the case (clearly) because people believe all kinds of things and lets say that you know for a fact your view is the truth and backed up with research i.e. the world is round, what does it truly matter if they believe otherwise? Who are they hurting? If they are protesting and causing harm to others, then I would understand the need to correct and address the issue but often people HAVE to be right. If they aren’t causing harm to others, why does it matter? If they are a stranger, someone you don’t see on the daily basis, and/or not someone you would ever discuss the topic with again, why does it matter?

Let’s say there is a good reason to have concern or the discussion is that interesting or important that the other has to agree with you, do you fight about it and tell only your own interpretation or do you bring in the big guns….the true facts that are backed up with research of some sort? Did you know that many don’t use the research point-of-view? Many people or a vast majority of people struggling with communication problems lack the ability to utilize the objective point-of-view. They either cannot see it or don’t see the reason to use it to back their reasoning to believe. Instead, the discussion becomes an argument as to why their reason is correct and how anyone else not believing so is “stupid” or whatever choice of words they may use. This isn’t always the case but the problem is that the view is pushed upon the other rather than discussed. There is a lack of respect for the other person’s point-of-view. Let’s say they genuinely had the wrong information or had interpreted the information given to them incorrectly not knowing any different. Would you call them stupid for their own perception? Many people would and many people do.

Sometimes, a discussion sharing information can change someone’s mind, and the delivery of the message can allow for an open line of communication for them or you to receive the information without being defensive. I don’t care if you tell someone you love them, if you yell it at them or say it rudely, the message of love is NOT received. We have to learn how to lay down an excellent foundation to allow for the message to be both delivered and received effectively. Now, that doesn’t mean that the other person will jump on your bandwagon and suddenly believe what you do, but it may allow them to respect you for your own opinions whether they agree or not. They may also change their minds and agree with you because of the information you gave or how you presented the information they also knew, shedding a different light on the subject. This boys and girls is real intimacy. No, not of the sexual nature, although it may be such for many. Intimacy is a closeness that is deep and fulfilling. Intimacy can be had with a friend, family, or sexual partner. Intimacy is not just sex or the act of having it, it’s a connection during that time. The same can be had in conversation. It allows for a close, open, discussion. Many may interpret this as having too much vulnerability, but we will save that for another discussion although it also relates to communication, the sending and receiving of messages. Most of us do not send messages, we assume them, and that alone is a problem in communication that creates a ton of problems. I will have to say that the ability to truly hear someone and understand their own perceptions and interpretations, even if you disagree, is very fulfilling for me. I feel closer to people that I may not know or ever see again. So why do I enjoy that? It fills my heart with a renewed sense of hope and faith in the human race. If I can connect with someone, even if I don’t agree, but I can learn their point of view, I am not angry. I don’t feel attacked for them not agreeing with me. I appreciate their point of view. I may have learned something new. My intellect may have expanded. They may have known something I was not aware of, or maybe their experiences in life are different due to race, gender, culture, and age. We learn every day or at least we really should. The world needs more of this because the majority of the things we all fight about don’t really matter.

I draw inspiration from just about anything. It’s my superpower, but it didn’t come to me naturally. I used to pull negativity from everything even if I gather some insightful lesson. It’s both a blessing and a curse. I can float on up to a cloud with insight and get distracted from other tasks more critical. As I did just now, instead of answering the why to this message. I can stay grounded, but my philosophical interpretations or analytics can appear as if I am not of this world. I am, just not of the norm. I used to find that to be the biggest curse. To be considered weird or a professional student who over thinks things. Now, I own it! Why be ashamed of the parts of me that I enjoy most and that make me who I am? Just to fit in? I fit in by being unique as we all are. We may have similarities in common, but we are all unique. The need to fit in is so great that we lose who we are and what makes us unique before we even have a chance to truly embrace it and what that means. We have this need to be validated and accepted. People going above and beyond to force that from others when we can be validated and accepted for what is different, how we think, what we feel, and what works for us (assuming we are not hurting ourselves or others but even that is up for interpretation — lying to ourselves, living in denial, etc…more on that later).

Instead of fighting each other to force others to meet our needs of acceptance and validation by agreeing with us or forcing our beliefs on others, why don’t we step back and listen to how they got to their own truths and conclusions. Find out their opinion and if you don’t understand it, ask them to explain, give you examples so you can understand their point of view. This doesn’t mean, you hear them and still think it’s “stupid.” It means, having the ability to see through their eyes their interpretation and put yourself in their shoes. It’s called empathy. Once you do that, see if your opinion changes. If your opinion doesn’t change, what are your feelings towards that person now? Do you feel angry? Do you really care that they don’t agree with you? If you initially thought they were stupid, do you still think that way now? If so, would you call it dumb again or would you use a different term?

Thing is if you’re able to truly hear them and see their side, people usually don’t use the same words to describe the other. It’s not stupid anymore because they understand. This is the lack of communication. People don’t like what they don’t understand. So why not take the time and work to understand? You’d be surprised how the simple act of wanting to understand makes a huge difference in the world even if you still don’t agree.

Also, if you think you don’t need validation, acceptance, or other people, nor do you think you do things to get it, you’re sadly mistaken. We all need and want those things but in different amounts just like we need others even if we don’t want or believe we do — take it away or remove the ability to be around others….you’ll be surprised how it changes. For example, as children, our parents are supposed to encourage us to explore and help us feel confident in ourselves but that is very much lacking in our world today. We are limited and often formed by our parents’ selves. Not that it is bad to be like your parents and yes, we need limitations. We all crave that as kids even if we fight and complain (again, another time we shall cover this). It’s the exploration of what we are interested in rather than what we are told we are interested in. This is also something we do after graduating high school and getting out on our own. We work to form what it means to be us whether we know we do it or not. Without having that encouragement to be ourselves or if we hear how stupid something is that we like we can feel shame and guilt. This can last for the rest of our lives, but it can also keep us from really enjoying what we love because of the opinion of others. This leaves us needing the advice and agreement of others as adults. Not all adults do this. Many people are comfortable with their choices, likes, dislikes, but we all are influenced by the majority opinion even if we choose to still go against it. We are sociable creature even if we decide to not socialize or know how to.

See, there’s this challenge that was going around saying that people couldn’t stay in a room by themselves with nothing to do and no one to talk to or they would go mad. Even the show Alone is about surviving on your own. I joking laugh and say that I can do that challenge easily. I spend time alone daily, and for a lot of it, I don’t mind. Here’s where it gets tricky: One, I have the internet and social media to plug into a connection or the feeling of a connection. People often feel connected even if they are writing, complaining, looking, or what have you. Even writing a blog post can give me feelings of being connected because I’m talking to someone. Who it is doesn’t matter at this current time. Whether they are there listening or reading is a whole other story but knowing that I will put this out in the world leaves a sense of connection. It’s when people do not see the likes or views that lead them to feel alone. I personally think if the stats were removed, it’d be entirely different because we can either believe a lot of people see and read our posts or we can assume no one is. If no one comments, does that mean that they didn’t understand or look at your post? If people liked, viewed, or loved your posts, does that mean they truly took the time to read or see your post?

Moreover, would it matter? The answers are subjective due to the subjective perception. Some people are fine with the false impression that people are reading and viewing their posts if they get likes. Some people believe that the longer people watch their youtube video, the more it matters while others rather comments to feel good about them. We all receive and give messages differently. We may give and receive differently at different stages of our lives or different times of the day. There are so many variables. So, does it make it wrong if someone does it differently than you? Two, I may be alone all day, off the internet, and not on the phone but I have animals I can interact with, things I can catch up on around the house, ideas I can focus on, and a ton of things to distract me. I may not be around people during the day, but someone used to come home to me. That re-connection, even if negative, fills the need (sorta). Three, once the person no longer comes back, there is a sense of something missing. It doesn’t matter if you always fought with that person or couldn’t wait for them to go. There is a grieving process in the loss. The sense of no one coming home now. This can be freeing, but often this change can affect people and their view on the connection in the world. Three, there is a time that you may not have anything else to do, catch up on, or have any interest. Still being disconnected from the internet can eventually lead to problems no matter who you are. Some people this happens to quickly and others are worn down over time. We all need a connection, good or bad. 

Why not try something new? Why not find the positive in the negative? Acknowledge the negative but find something positive to come out of it. It can be a lesson, a new journey, a new point of view, or whatever else. There is a positive way to see just about anything. You can agree to disagree and let it go. Don’t talk about it with that person if it bothers you. Show them respect for their own opinions, thoughts, and experiences. After all, they are their own and no amount of strong-arming or forcing them is going to change it. They may agree to suffice you but still internally have their own opinions. Wouldn’t’ you rather someone genuinely agree or at least appreciate that you have your personal opinion and respect you for that. There are validation and acceptance in this approach even with disagreement.

Leave me your thoughts and take away(s) below. This post has taken so many shapes and forms. I’ll leave it here for today. Till next time, be blessed, utilize insight, and own what makes you, YOU!

Peace, love, and light.

Namaste Piper