Courage

I have had this dream of writing my story and having a book to call my own but that just has not been in the cards for me as of yet. The last few years I have been really interested in putting a blog on a business page of my own and it being a source of inspiration to others. My dream has molded into things in my mind that I would not have otherwise imagined. The problem is that I never take action towards that goal in a way that is consistent and steady. My focus is always on a million things and trying to tackle the smaller things that life brings.

Today, I woke up early and found myself attempting to ignore Facebook but still cruising for a few minutes. Instead of my normal checking of comments and responses I found myself scanning the wall and landed on a friend from elementary school (though we went to school all through to high school, we weren’t really close but she was always very kind to me or so I remember). Her teenage son has been struggling with cancer and though we are not close, I have followed her story from being married and having her step children (I believe they are step children but I know she has children of her own also). I don’t respond to much because I feel I have no place to say anything nor do my words matter in a time of need when everyone says the same things. However, today I found myself reading her post and sharing her struggle with every day he is not well. She tries to stay strong and help him have the best life that he can have if that fateful day comes. He’s always so positive about everything (or so she says) and she often wonders how he can be so strong. I sat there staring because I had so many words to say to her and yet I questioned whether they were words I needed to hear for my own selfish reasons (humans can be really messed up like that) or if they would be words of value for her. I opted to comment not realizing where it would take me. Something short and sweet…something of value was the intention and often this is what happens to me….the something short and sweet turns into something so much more. (I will include the comment below my post).

What I found was much more deep than I ever imagined. Not only was I attempting to encourage her, give her hope, and show her that no matter what…no matter how down she feels…I hope she knows the journey has effected others in a positive way. What I did not expect is that it has effected me in a profound way. As I find myself working to describe the situation and ways that they inspire others with their tenacity, love, and hope. I did not realize that simply seeing the journey effected me in some of my dark times. Moments that I wanted to give up, to let the fear take me over, to simply stop trying to be something I felt I clearly am not. Yet, their courage to step forward into the darkness with no idea of what the future holds…only to work to shine a light on those times…encouraged me, shook me out of those moments I wanted to give up, and gave my hope again.

So, here I am typing an hour later still profoundly influenced by a post from yesterday (was 7 hours ago and now is nine). The very reason I responded to her is the very reason I write this post. I often ask myself what it is all for (life…the journey..my goals..passions..etc). All I want to do is to reach as many people as I can, to give hope when there is none, to shine a light when it is dark, to light a spark to light a flame, to give inspiration when there is none, to serve as a cog in the wheel of motion, and to serve as water to feed purpose. I am a dreamer. I think philosophically and I analyze to understand, make sense of all things that on the surface do not. I’m good at tackling tasks given to me, not afraid of stepping out for a challenge for others and even for past goals of my own. However, when it comes to molding what it is that I want of my own business, my own purpose, my own….career, I find myself remolding, redefining, and then lost along the way. What is it that I intend to do when I always strive to be the best I can be at anything I put my mind to? I have defining and redefined until I’m blue in the face. I have jumped when I felt I needed to simply pull the trigger. Yet, once I do make movement forward there is something that holds me back, brings me down, casts doubt, and stops advancing forward. Other tasks to complete, sure but I’m reaching the end of the goal I set in mind a few years ago. I needed to test for my LPC a year and a half ago, I should be nearing the end of my hours to be fully licensed but I’m not. I accept that it is where I am today. I cannot beat myself up nor regret because it changes nothing. I have to forge forward and know that this was my path all along. I thought I had my purpose and career years ago and a mistake as taking a semester off school when I had went year around since my freshmen year in high school…changed everything. All the things I worked hard for were thrown away because I could not forgive myself. All the pain of my past came crashing down. It was always there. I have always struggled back and forth from super motivated to not at all. My worst enemy and my strongest support system. Only to find out after years of drugs and being lost…to find myself in a way I never imagined and end up becoming a counselor. Never have I ever felt more in tune to my purpose than then. Things I learned on my own, exploring my mind, why I did things and why others did what they did…why we hurt ourselves and others, what leads us there…all of it….and how to overcome. I worked to understand the mind, how we tick, the influence of thoughts on behavior, how all actions have a reaction, and personality, lifestyle, family, culture, and demographics influence all things for both good and bad. So, if I know so much, how could I possibly cycle from confidence to fear? How could I possibly question myself? Well, self-sabotage is not pretty. I don’t believe we do it on purpose but fear is a huge factor in our lives. It can make or break anything if we allow it. Some could say that this post is my mind’s way of avoiding my to-do list that leads to success. Others may say it is courageous to put off that list to work towards the bigger dream. Doesn’t the dream require the to-do list to be complete? Yes, but at this moment, in this point in time….the inspiration is what drives the purpose and I have to feed the inspiration to fuel the drive. Without that fuel, the purpose can be lost. Envision watching someone leaving you behind…ahead of you…while you are reaching out…not realizing that what is holding you back is YOU!

My dream does not require the PhD. I do plan to complete this semester and drop down to one class. I’ve said from the beginning that I’m not in a hurry. I don’t need it. I want it. I need to continue to be inspired and inspire others. So much focus on school takes me away from that which motivates me. I always say that you have to create motivation through momentum. Remember that! YOU HAVE TO CREATE MOTIVATION WITH MOMENTUM! In other words, you cannot wait for motivation to come. You have to get up, get out and get moving to fuel the motivation. You have to move towards something, ANYTHING! That thing gives you purpose….that thing serves as a seed….you don’t now what you planted but at least something is planted. You have to water that seed in order for it to grow. The actions you take in your life work to water and feed that seed. You watch it grow with every step you take. As it grows tall, the branches span out, with each branch limbs, and from each limb comes leaves. What happens after those leaves may not be what you originally sought out to plant and that’s okay.

I thought I had a purpose though looking back now I remember feeling so unsure that it was really something I could do for the rest of my life. It really was not realistic long term and though it served as a way to make people happy, inspire, and even included teaching, it was not the final chapter. I did not realize the importance of teaching in my life. I love to learn but I love so much more to inspire. I cannot change one person but I can hope to spark something in whomever I encounter. My pain led me to a love…a true purpose…and I can never be more thankful for that. I have become stagnant though. I am fueled when I am practicing what I love but I m behind on what I need now after putting more on my plate before finishing what I already had. I needed to add more though because I needed the motivation to fuel the purpose. So, siting that aside to find the drive again was important. What I did not expect is coming back to dabble on that other dream a little at a time in order to keep it alive. That’s life though. It is messy, confusing, painful, yet rewarding. I live in an all or nothing brain. I did not realize that I did this so that I can stay focused to complete tasks rather than distracted by my many dreams. Though I need to learn to live what I know…life is not all or nothing and I have had a happy balance until recently. Time to recap on what we know!

This is me watering my tree, plant, fruit, flower….whatever it is, I’m watering it…it’s another branch in one of many. I haven’t quite made it to the end to see what blooms but I water none-the-less. It’s okay that I don’t have it all together. I wish I did. I’m am only one person and it is all I can hope for…a little growth at a time. Perhaps the journey is the purpose as it often is. Once we reach a goal or see what blooms (if we stick to the analogy), we don’t stop there. Another branch blooms, we continue to grow, and realize that is the cycle of life. That’s it! We cycle. I cycle. I think society has this unspoken, unrealistic, expectation that the goal is the reason, no one should be unhappy, everything should be perfect, and life should not be challenging. That could NOT be further from the truth! Every relationship has ups and downs. Every job has its time of importance. Every team has their season. Every style goes out of style but often comes back again. Every flower dies and is reborn. Well, not every one of any of those but often that is the cycle. The level of intensity is what is different from everything. Some ups and downs are greater than others. Some challenges aren’t so steep. Every path is different and yet somehow the lessons to be learned are often the same. Life works in cycles. We need to stop putting so many pressures on ourselves to fit this mold that simply does not exist. The Bible states that we go through seasons. I mean, if we did not experience any struggles what would we truly be learning?

I’ll never forget this one client I worked with at a treatment facility in a minimum security jail. He successfully completed, went to a half-way house, became house elder, and went back to his life happier than he had been. He contacted me at one point because he was struggling again. He had fell off the wagon and was working to pull it together because he knew the negative from his life before treatment was still working its way through and he was still working to put the lessons to work by changing internal thinking patterns and self-talk…addressing unrealistic expectations, letting go of dysfunction, and looking to the future with hope. He survived as I knew he would only for me to hear that an old charge came back to haunt him and though he had been doing well he had to return to jail and start over. I’ll never forget the day he contacted me telling me of his journey, what he learned and how he had survived. The only problem was he could not understand the purpose of returning to jail. He had learned what was necessary and he held onto resentment of wasted time there. I simply redirected him to his story. He had shared that though he was upset about returning, he didn’t focus on making house elder or presenting what he knew…he focused on what he thought of himself and reached out to those whom appeared so very lost. He shared his journey and by helping inspire others he was motivating himself. Though this branch was detour from the original he started on, it was working to keep the other one alive. See, trees don’t simply work to grow one limb at a time (though some plants do). They may grow in different ways, at different times, and have many or no limbs. So, I pointed out that he shared he had really felt he spent a lot of time with this one man, invested in his journey, and though he knew he could not change for him, he hoped he had sparked a fire. I pointed this out and asked him more about the situation. His answer, the man had given up on life, gave up on God, and was as lost as he felt upon my encounter with him those years ago. I can’t remember if he said he was still in touch with this man but I think he said they stayed in contact when he left. He did tell me he heard he was doing well.

Do you see? We focus so much on the meaning of things and what the lesson is supposed to be. At least, I have my clients focus on this and it serves to be mostly helpful because people just generally want to know why they endure the pain they do. Making sense of it helps build resilience and it is that tenacity that drives us forward. We can accept more of the pain, find closure to the past, and look towards the future with hope, promise, and peace if we are able to make send of it all. Who knows if it truly was the reason, purpose, or even if a God exists or if there is one…is he manipulating our lives for a purpose?! Who knows?! I find that finding what OUR view of the purpose is….is the point. That belief can make or break our future. It can either drive us forward and serve as a launching pad or it can serve as an early grave, giving up on life, and being stuck in the pain unable to move.

See, it’s important to help others reach this understanding that they have to find meaning and many times answer why even if they don’t think it’s what they want…subconsciously they need it. It feeds the seed. However, we have to see the bigger picture and be objective even when it is the most difficult. When it seems that life is against you, no one is there, and nothing seems to be working in your favor, we have to step back to see the bigger picture. Sometimes, our struggles are not for ourselves. Sometimes and often many times we are unaware…we endure situations, experiences, emotions, and people…for others. We serve as a tool in their garden. See, he was not placed back in jail for himself. Though, yes, he had to pay for his actions and he accepted it. He also agreed that he had different experiences each visit to Jester 1 Unit. The benefits were different each time. He reaped a lot of benefits the second time by learning structure, developing his values, beliefs, and confidence again. He worked his program. Though it was meaningful and insightful, it was still foundational. The third attempt he had a strong foundation which allowed him to focus on the deeper issues, meaning, and personal growth we had identified the time before. If you know about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs you would understand that though you can identify problems on the next level and work on them a little too, you can’t truly focus on them without solidifying a stronger, stable growth. In other words, you cannot address a problem if your beliefs or values still favor the problem. For example, if you want to quit drinking alcohol and know you are not capable of controlling your use but you still believe that getting drunk is okay, you are more thank likely not going to quit or if you quit you will not stay clean. I can give several examples but ultimately it boils down to your beliefs for YOURSELF. For example, I believe that there are benefits to THC/CBD oil for many people but for me, it is a mind altering substance even if I do not ingest it. It causes me to react with severe anxiety, funky breathing patterns, and makes my skin crawl. It is really uncomfortable for me and is NOT relaxing. A topical ointment effects me in a way I just can’t use it. So, though I see the benefit for others and know it can help to mellow many people out, my internal beliefs for myself is that it’s not for me. There is a time in our lives to identify a problem, to define what that means to us, what we want to do to fix it, and acknowledge what we need to do. That is only the first step! The second is often what people do not teach or know how to do. How do you put it into action? You can’t put it into action and it be successful without knowing what motivates you to keep it, what it means, etc. I could keep attempting to define what I mean here but I think you get the idea. At least, I hope you do.

So, for this man, his third experience was initially not for him at all. He was there to influence another person. To be a tool in their garden. What he did not realize is that in doing so, he had defined his beliefs and values, what was most important to him. At that moment, it was not simply following rules, checking all the boxes and going through the motion. This time, he knew the structure without needing the praise. This time he spent on further self growth and development more than ever without knowing it, indirectly helping himself, coming into his own, defining what and who he was without the alcohol, without legal problems still holding him back, without a past life still haunting him, and without all the labels he had earned the previous time that gave him something to grasp onto to survive. This time, free from all the outside forces, he worked from defining himself to refining himself.

I’ll come back and lead into 12 step meetings and the steps later but for now, I want to point out all the courage I see in others. I was inspired today. I am often inspired by others in so many ways. I may have knowledge, a degree, and what I’ve been told since I was in kindergarten…being wise for my age. However, I still learn every day from every person. I am not better than nor am I not humble enough to accept help, hear opinions, and acknowledge that my way may not be the only way nor will it be the right way for many. Courage is influenced by so many things as much of what we do, think, say, and feel….basically everything is intertwined. Why would we ever think life is any different than that? What you see on the surface is not always the full story. One thing does not simply influence the other rather than everything influences everything.

So, this young man fighting for cancer…my childhood friend’s son remaining positive when life keeps throwing lemons at them….he doesn’t just make lemonade…he shares it! Let me be clear, being strong and courageous does not mean you do not get sad and that sadness makes you weak. Sadness can make you weak if you allow it to take over but being sad or crying…expressing your emotions does not make you weak! It shows strength to express it and even more to use it as fuel. This young man is courageous. His mother is even more so to watch him endure this experience. Courage may not be seen by all and you may not feel brave in any small action you do but know that you influence others. Your small step of courage can be seen as a huge step to others. You can not measure your experience by those of others. We can think they are different but it truly is the personal experience that makes each experience better or worse than another. For example, if you and I both had the same exact paper cut (assuming it was possible), I could cry my eyes out in pain and you could think nothing of it. It’s the reaction to it that matters. Furthermore, you could have the same exact paper cut today as you did five, ten and even just a few months ago and feel differently today as you did then. Our circumstances effect our reaction, our relationships, emotions, and everything in between.

So, I’m being courageous today. I felt inspired. I’m writing this post…albeit long, I hope powerful. It is but a small step of courage towards my end goal. I can not be overwhelmed by the power of the end but work to build on what I can today. Every minute of the day, every hour of the day, moving towards that goal creates confidence, builds the courage to take on a little more each day, to feel better about ourselves and our lives when we lay out heads down to sleep. Today was a good day! Tomorrow is going to be even better. Perception is a powerful thing! You can either see this time reading this as wasted time you will never get back OR you can see this time as valuable in your journey of self-discovery, self-improvement, or whatever other path you are on….you can choose to live courageously! It’s true courage that allows you to do so!

With love, peace, and light,

Namaste

Piper

The reply that inspired this post….and a long line of bunny trails to come…

Always in my thoughts. Life just isn’t fair no matter how hard we wish it to be. Even though we can find strength that we are walking the certain path for a reason, maybe not for ourselves but for those we encounter on the journey. Sometimes we are used as tools in someone else’s story…that glimmer of hope, a light that outshines them all to pave the path for another or many. It’s not fair but there is a purpose. No matter who or what, know that your journey has been followed by so many, y’all have been a light for so many lost unsure of theirselves, their lives, and their purpose. Though you may never know how deeply effected others have been nor do many effected realize either…let me just say that though my life is not currently anywhere near the obstacles your family, your son, has endured….though situations can’t not measure the amount of pain someone feels inside, their perception of the issue and their level of pain and sorrow… know, from the bottom of my heart, down through my toes, to the top of my head, and deep down in my soul, I have been affected. Though I may not post…though we may not have been close since possibly elementary, I have always adored the person you are, your kind and sweet soul, and followed your journey since you were married I believe. (Not like a creeper, just fb seen here and there) Its no miracle from God that he has the same heart of gold as you. No act of God that he’s strong, joyful, loving, and kind as you. It’s a mothers love that has helped blossom the same in your young man… I see you. I hear you. I’ve been touched by your lives and your story. Though I do not always pray as I should, you’re in my thoughts. Seeing what he has already endured and the love you have has proven to be a bright light among many for me some days, a reminder of what matters most, to not be taken for granted because life is short and cruel sometimes. All we are left with are the memories of what we shared. You’ve been focused on creating the experiences, the memories, and moments you will cherish forever. Those that will bring life and purpose to dark road that lay ahead of him. If there’s anything I’ve learned as a spectator it’s this…though the road may be dark, he is the light! He’s been stronger than you ever imagined and upbeat in the times you could not be. He IS the light! He is a gift from God! I have been touched by your story, his story, as it has served as a light along my dark road many days to never give up hope! Live for today because you’re not promised tomorrow! Love those you are with because one day they may not be there! Live with passion as if you’ve experienced everything for the first time because the world through a child’s eyes is spectacular indeed. Lastly, a story outlasts a lifetime. It is the effect on others that continues. Though I feel that somehow, someway, he’s going to make it through…imagine the few reached before the diagnosis….and now imagine the many you have since. You all have a slew of people behind you. We may not always say much but know that we are here. You’re in our thoughts. You’re in our prayers, our hearts, and definitely the outpouring love is felt deep in our souls. No journey is for not. ❤️❤️❤️